Archibald: Kay Ivey, Tommy Tuberville and Mike Rogers edit the Bill of Rights

Mar 20, 2023

This, lest you have a hard time seeing it, is satire. A joke. Like Alabama government itself.

Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey, Sen. Tommy Tuberville and Congressman Mike Rogers walk into a bar.

It's a very low bar.

"Whatcha want?" The bartender says.

"To fix ‘Merica," Tuberville says.

"Highball for a high stepper," says the governor. "Make that a double step."

"Hair of the dog," said Rogers. "Or any mammal will do."

No wait. This can't be right. Those three don't have time to be out carousing in low, low bars. Not with history to forget and rewrite. Not with school teachers to insult, guns to cuddle in photographs, white nationalists to protect from the devil of diversity, equity and inclusion.

I prefer to imagine them sitting in front of their computers, wondering how to log in.

I prefer to imagine them poring over a document in the quest to make America great, and straight, and irate again. They pull in Alabama Attorney General Steve Marshall to dot the Ts and cross the Is. I picture them editing a document on Google Docs. It's the root of so many annoyances, after all. It is the Bill of Rights.

This is what I imagine.

Graphic by Ramsey Archibald

Hey, when you set out to diminish the rights and beliefs of others in order to expand your own, it's really nothing but a bill of wrongs.

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